The Best Advice Your Therapist Ever Gave You

Written by: Bailey Smith, M.Ed.

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you can probably point to some helpful things you learned from your therapist. Maybe it was the sleep routine she recommended that helped you finally rest well. Maybe it was his reminder that thoughts are just thoughts that helped you stop the anxiety cycle. Or maybe it was her referral to your doctor that helped you find the right medication for your depression. When it comes to providing education or skills to help manage your mental health, your therapist is a great asset! But we have probably all run into that one question that our therapists just never seem to answer:

So, what should I do?

When we encounter a problem in therapy, it is natural for us to look to our therapist for solutions. In most of our other relationships, friends and family are quick to offer their own advice on what to do in a given situation. So, why do therapists avoid giving this same kind of advice?

While you may feel like your therapist is withholding their solutions in some sort of scheme to force you into personal growth, there are several reasons therapists can be reluctant to jump in with their own solutions.

First, your therapist is not you. They do not have the same background, history, strengths, and struggles that have led you to this specific moment in time. While your therapist may be an expert on mental health because of their training, they are not an expert on you. You are the expert on you, and no one can better decide what to do in your life than you can.

Second, you will be more committed to a choice you make for yourself than to a choice that someone else made for you. Your doctor may have been telling you for years that you should exercise, but until you set your own goal of running a 5k and follow through for yourself, that advice won’t be enough to move you forward. Any committed action you take in life needs to come from you in order to be meaningful enough for you to follow through.

Finally, the problems we bring to therapy don’t have simple solutions. I will often joke with my clients, saying, “I’m so glad you came to me, because there is a simple, obvious solution you just haven’t tried yet!” We have all lived enough life to know that when emotions are involved, things are complicated. As a therapist, I want to honor and respect the challenging nature of your personal situation by avoiding offering “simple” “obvious” solutions. Chances are, by the time you get to therapy, you’ve tried all those things!

So, if a therapist isn’t going to tell you what to do, how can they really help?

While different therapists may approach this differently, in my practice I will be there with you as a guide to consider solutions that you feel might be right for you. We can look at what fits with your values, what moves you toward your goals, and what actually feels doable in your life at this moment. You have everything you need within you to make the best choices for your life; as a therapist I will simply help you access those pieces of yourself and fit them together.

Though it is not always as easy as being told what you should do or being given quick answers, you may find that the best advice your therapist ever gave you is:

What do you think you should do?