Strengthening the Parent-Child Relationship
Samantha Scalabrino, M.A.
Parenting can feel a bit like a juggling act. Shuttling kids around to all of their events, while also trying to work, take care of the home, and manage your own time is daunting on the best of days. As a parent, it can feel as though you are not spending enough quality time with your children, like you just don’t understand each other, or that there is too much conflict and miscommunication getting in the way of a healthy relationship with one another.
Dedicated Time Together
One of the main ways in which you can increase the quality of your connection with your child is to set aside a specific time during the week that is just for the two of you. This one-on-one time does not have to be long—thirty minutes or an hour will do. If you have multiple children, you should have separate dedicated time with each of them.
- Engagement: Decide together what you want to do during this time. It does not have to be costly. Think about what your child’s favorite activities are and what would excite them the most. Build LEGOs with them, play with dolls, throw a ball around in the yard or at the park, draw/craft, read together, listen to their favorite music, tell jokes, etc. This time together should be laidback and non-conditional. Just enjoy each other’s company. Most importantly, during this time there should be no distractions (phones, sibling interruptions, TV).
- Active Listening: When you spend one-on-one time with your child, make sure to give them your full attention and concentration. Ensure that your body language is relaxed and engaged, such as facing them and using direct eye-contact. Make your child feel important and that they are your priority for that time.
- Positive Communication Skills: Model and encourage respect by being patient and non-judgmental. Validate them by encouraging them to express their ideas and avoid lecturing. Respond calmly, honestly, and with empathy to their concerns and questions.
Other Ways to Strengthen the Connection
- Involve Them in Decisions: Your child will respond best to your directives and non-preferred activities if they can be a part of the decision-making process (within age-appropriate bounds, of course). For example, if you have a list of chores for them to do each week, sit down with them to come up with ideas that they feel they can realistically accomplish. Explain the steps involved, instead of assuming they know how to do the chore exactly like you expect. Schedules can be handled the same way—parents usually plan all of the family members’ appointments and activities, and then assume their children will readily comply. Even if the schedule includes preferred activities, the child may feel frustrated and powerless by not knowing what comes next, leading to annoyance and resistance. Involve your child in a conversation the night before about what the following day will look like. We all usually cooperate more when expectations are communicated ahead of time.
- Car Rides: While this time should not count as dedicated one-on-one time, the car rides to and from school, dance class, or baseball practice can be a great time to have fun and bond. Ask your child to be the DJ during car rides and queue up their favorite songs for you both to listen and sing along to. Add in your favorite songs, too. If music is not your child’s interest, come up with an “I Spy” game to keep rides interesting and interactive.
- Family Time: If finding regular time for one-on-one activities is difficult, you may think that it is impossible to get the whole family together at once. However, just as with parent-child dedicated time, engaging in routine, pre-scheduled time together is a great way to encourage positive family relationships, too. Friday-night movies at home, Saturday-evening board games, or weekend hikes are all great ways to unwind and truly enjoy one another’s’ company, taking a pause from life’s other pressures for a little while. Over time and with repetition, it can become a natural and special part of your family’s schedule to which everyone looks forward.
- Give Yourself Grace: Being open-minded and willing to make changes to invest in your relationship with your child is admirable, in-and-of itself. New bonds will not form overnight, and life events may occasionally get in the way of weekly time together. Have patience with yourself and remain determined to continue to put forth your best effort, even if that looks different from day to day.
Benefits of Increased Connection
Spending quality time together can result in:
- Less tension in the household overall and less frustration for you as a parent
- A better understanding of your child’s emotional needs
- Your child feeling heard, understood, and more secure
- Encouragement of open dialogue
- Your child feeling comfortable coming to you with their concerns
- Increased mutual trust
- More cooperation and fewer behavioral challenges from your child
- Enhancement of the child’s social skills and respect for others
By spending regular, child-directed time together, parents set the tone for a healthier relationship built on trust and empathy. Over time and with consistency, you will notice a deeper understanding of one another other forming, as well the creation of a positive dynamic for your child to feel safe to come to you with their concerns.