Parenting Tips: Restoring Authority in the Household
Shaquanta “Shelley” Danjoint, M.S.
If you are a parent, you may feel that your child only listens when you raise your voice. Parents have tried gentle parenting, but some parents are finding that their kids don’t respond to that. Here are some tips to help your child listen and restore order and structure in the household.
Kids can respond well when given transition times or statements. Whenever you are about to go somewhere or at times you know they are likely to get antsy or upset, let them know things like “we are leaving in 15 minutes” and possibly give another time check like “we now have 5 more minutes.” Kids are more likely to respond when given a sense of direction. This can keep them regulated and parents maintaining control. Parents may notice that even when giving time transitions, kids may hear them but still want to continue what they are doing. In therapy sessions, I use the technique of verbally stating what they would like extra time to do. I offer options that they can finish next time, or they can finish at home, and I give them a chance to decide. If they don’t respond, I let them know that it is our time to go, and they are likely to make a choice.
Try expressing vulnerable feelings behind anger, which are the feelings that help us to communicate more effectively. It becomes safer for any of us to express anger because anger is more likely to protect us. It may help to slow down and communicate to your child your true concerns. You may say things like “I can get nervous sometimes about keeping you safe. This is why I like to keep you close when we are in the grocery store.” Parents can let kids know the inappropriate reactions and behaviors they would like to see by saying things like “we don’t throw things when we are upset,” “we can hit a pillow or go for a walk or talk about it.” Here, parents can establish their rules and boundaries. This is not always easy, and parents must stand firm. It can help both mom and dad to be on the same page when establishing boundaries and rules overall in the household.
Utilizing a reward system can be another helpful technique. When you notice behaviors that are appropriate, give your child praise and let them know you admire the choice they made. This can be used when a child is learning to calm down, and they decide to talk about what happened instead of using aggressive behaviors. Share their accomplishments with others in the household.
When an undesired behavior happens, parents can simply respond by correcting their child or letting the child know what behaviors are acceptable. We want to be clear that we are not saying anger is not acceptable, but we are focusing on the disruptive behavior. If you are just starting these strategies, it may be beneficial to help kids get started by walking through the steps with them. For example, when they get upset or don’t listen, try to do something together like going for a walk to calm down, or playing Simon Says, and repeat what behaviors are appropriate. Parents can establish consequences that are age-appropriate. For example, you may say things like, “When we throw things or if we don’t listen, we will only use the tablet for 30 minutes instead of an hour.” If you use this method, be sure to identify the aggressive behavior that the child did. Remember to be firm.
Starting these techniques at a young age will help you plant seeds that will grow to be fruitful. Younger children may not understand now, but they are sponges. Whatever they are taught, they will naturally begin to demonstrate. Children learn the most from parents, even though it may not seem that way.
Watch this video to see a short demonstration on applying parenting techniques:
https://youtu.be/XJ0bC9BQ1Xs?si=z6296oLBjdbApum9