Building the Parent-Child Relationship

Written by: Becca Samelson-Webb, M.A.

All too often, I hear parents share that they are unable to connect with their children. They don’t understand their interests, are confused by their behavior, or frustrated by their attitudes. Sometimes parents respond by setting stronger punishments, leaving less room for flexibility or grace, or doubling down on decisions. Others shy away from confrontation, give the children what they want, and don’t hold strong boundaries or consistent consequences. While both reactions are understandable, there can be a more effective approach, or a middle path between the two reactions. Children are more likely to respond to parents who have built a positive parent-child relationship and created a safe environment for open exploration and sharing of feelings. Here are some keys to building a positive parent-child relationship.

• Take a non-judgmental stance
  It’s easy for adults to make judgments about children’s behavior. “Don’t get upset,” “It’s not a big deal,” “You’re trying to hurt my feelings,” “You’re behaving very badly,” and “Start acting better” are just a few examples of statements that can have negative effects on children. Instead of taking the time to understand why a child is feeling or acting that way, comments like these simply label their experiences as bad. These judgements could result in a child feeling internal guilt, developing a sense of inadequacy, or building future resentment towards their parents. It’s important to remember that everyone has a reason for their thoughts, emotions, or behaviors. Creating change requires an understanding of those reasons, not simply saying the behavior is bad.
• Avoid “shoulds”
  When children don’t act as expected, it’s easy to feel as though they should know better. However, it’s important to remember that all behavior has to be taught and learned. People aren’t born knowing how to make their beds, brush their teeth, tie their shoes, or clean their room. It’s something they need to learn. By helping children learn new behavior instead of being frustrated that they aren’t acting in a specific way, parents can better bond with their children and help them change their behavior.
• Model the wanted behaviors
  If you are expecting different behaviors or attitudes from your child, you need to model that behavior for them. A child is not going to spend less time on his phone if you’re constantly on yours. If you’re wanting your children to decrease their anger, they are unlikely to change if you are unable to regulate your emotions. To teach children new and wanted behaviors, parents need to model those behaviors and incorporate them into their own lives as well.
• Prioritize reinforcement over punishment
  Children are unlikely to respond positively to a reliance on punishment. While it can be effective in small doses for some behaviors, punishment can cause problems in the long run. It sends the message that a child is “bad” for their behavior, and can lead to resentment and a strained parent-child relationship in the long run. Children are more likely to respond positively to reinforcement for wanted behavior. Whether through small rewards, verbal praise, or natural positive outcomes, children will be motivated to engage in new behaviors instead of being deterred against acting in certain behaviors.
• Find meaningful ways to connect with your child.
  Sometimes parents share that they don’t understand their kids’ interests. However, sometimes these parents haven’t taken the time to ask why! Parents might be surprised by how much they might share their children’s interests if they take the time to understand. Plus, parents can build upon a child’s interest to create family activities. For instance, if a child loves video games, there are plenty of family friendly cooperative games that parents could play with their children. Kids are more likely to respond positively to parents who share their interests.

These are just a few of the ways parents can build a deeper connection with their children. Increasing love, understanding, and patience will allow parents to create a safe environment, encouraging children to have stronger relationships with their parents. A stronger relationship will make children more likely to respond positively to their parents. If you’re wanting to create change in your household, creating a positive parent-child relationship is a crucial first step.