How to Talk to Your Teen – Part 2

Written by: Stephen Walters, M.Div., M.A.

In part 1 of “How to Talk to Your Teen,” I mentioned that I have a teenager and I am trying to figure out how to communicate well with him as the dynamics of his needs change. I mentioned the points of Avoiding Lecturing, Active Listening, and Validation over Correction. Today, I want to give a few more tips before we wrap up next time. Reminder, later this year I’ll have tips for your teen as we make 2025 “The Year of Communication.”

1. Stay Calm and Present as Being Patient. I didn’t make this first for a reason. It may be the hardest one at times. You may hear things that are alarming. Maybe there is an example of giving into peer pressure. Maybe there are concerning aspects of a new relationship. Maybe they discuss self-harm or suicidal thoughts. Your first instinct may be to jump into fixing it. Your first instinct may be to tell them they’re wrong. Your first instinct may be to cry, scream, shutdown, or walk away. All of that is valid. What is important is that you give your teen a space to feel they can talk, be open, and not feel threatened. Do we tell them everything they do is ok? No, of course not. Do we start to cry and tell them they’re wrong for having suicidal thoughts? Not a good idea either. By being calm and patient to listen (remember, Active listening?), we can create a good space of effective communication.
2. Be Open and Honest with them. This may be saying, “I don’t know what to think about that.” It could be saying, “I love you and I am disappointed in that choice and I don’t know how to manage that.” It can mean, “I get it, I struggled with that too.” Share that you have feelings, strong feelings, and that helps them feel it is ok. Share with them you have had pain and hurt, and it helps them feel normalized. Do not lie about “everything is ok” and they can learn to trust you, not because you’re their parent, but because you can be trusted. As your teen gets older, the connection between you changes. So, be open and honest as much, and as appropriate, as possible.
3. Breathe. This tip is more to help you with the first two on this list. When having some difficult conversations, do not forget to breathe before, during, and after. While you are talking, if you find it to be a struggle to be patient, stop and breathe. When the conversation is over and you are struggling to determine next steps, breathe.

Listen, it is easier said than done. If you can take steps to be calm and patient, while being open and honest, and continuing to breathe, you are opening the doors to make 2025 “The Year of Communication.” As always, if there is something we at The Summit can do to help, let us know. Check back in a couple of months for the conclusion to the parent portion.