Size of the Problem: Helping Children Match Their Feelings and Reactions to a Problem

Written by: Samantha Scalabrino, M.A.

Size of the Problem (SotP) is a tool used to help individuals think critically about how their feelings and responses to a perceived problem impact themselves and the people around them. Simply put, it helps people understand how big their problem is and if their reaction matches it appropriately. This concept can be complicated to learn, especially for children and neurodivergent individuals, because it involves a relatively subjective experience—what feels like a big obstacle to one person may not be considered a big deal to others. We, of course, want to validate these feelings, but it is also our job as teachers, therapists, and caregivers to help our children navigate their social world. If Emma, for example, throws herself on the floor of her classroom every time the teacher does not call on her to answer a question, she is quickly going to ostracize herself from her peers. She may also struggle academically because she is not paying attention to the material being taught during these tantrums.

As a counselor who works with elementary school-aged children in their school setting, I teach SotP to students and then review the concepts with them shortly after a challenge has occurred. I also encourage parents to use this language in their home environment for consistency if this is an area in which their child struggles.

1-10 Scale: The goal of SotP is to teach the child how to reflect on their feelings and actions. They should also learn to use coping strategies to react calmly to problems that arise to decrease disruptions to their day. This reaction requires an enormous amount of self-awareness. Therefore, I like to break the method down into a simple numerical scale from 1-10. Some versions of SotP use a scale from 1-5, but I find that using more numbers better allows kids to slow down and analyze the problem, thereby giving them time to calm down. I do not actually care about the difference in the details between a “5” and a “6” problem; it is more about the process. I also do not challenge a student on the subtle differences between the numbers they choose.

I review what the numbers on the scale mean with the child when they are calm and able to learn. I first define a “10” as a critical physical safety threat, such as a fire, dangerous person, severe injury, etc. A “9” is a verbal threat of safety. A “1,” on the other hand, is the tiniest of annoyances. I let the child tell me what that might be for them (for example, a mosquito bite). Then, we talk about what a “3,” “5,” “7,” etc. looks like and discuss examples. Apart from 9 and 10, the other numbers should be identified as what the problems feel like for THEM. It is important that you are FLEXIBLE with this. You may think the child’s “6” sounds ridiculous and should be a “2,” but while we are attempting to take some of the subjectivity out of this experience by assigning scores to the problems and reactions, the child’s feelings are valid and should be treated as such.

The Technique: I ask the child to describe the problem that occurred. After listening patiently, I ask the child what number, from 1-10 they would assign to the problem. Often, they immediately state: “It’s a 10!” I calmly validate how they feel: “yes, it felt like a 10, didn’t it?” Then I reframe the situation: “But did it involve your safety? Was there a fire or another dangerous situation?” –I usually get a begrudged “no”—“No? Ok, then let’s find a different number for it.” The child will then take some time to reconsider the situation and reassign a score such as a “6” to the problem. I praise them for making this change.

I then ask how their reaction should be scored. If there were negative consequences (such as losing classroom privileges), the kid most likely reacted much too strongly in the situation, like a “9” or “10.” If the child states “3,” I will gently push them to reconsider and give reasons for why it sounds higher.

Then it is time to point out in a logical and objective manner that the scores for the size of the problem and the size of their reaction did not match. We discuss why they do not match and then go over ways in which the child could have handled the situation in a manner expected for the actual size of the problem. A “4” problem should have a “4” reaction. I help the child to problem-solve to figure out what would have helped them have a different reaction in the moment. Did they need to get help from an adult, ignore their peer, walk away, ask for a break, use a fidget, practice relaxation skills like breathing regulation, talk to a friend, etc? It is important to keep teaching new coping strategies to help the child manage a mismatch of SotP scores in the future.

If the score of the reaction and the problem DO match—which they eventually should—give the child a lot of praise for reacting in an appropriate way! Process how it must have felt to not react like they may have in the past with an immediate “10” reaction.

Process, Validate, Teach: Process with the child WHY their problem originally felt like a “10” to them. Validate and support their feelings on this. “You are absolutely allowed to feel disappointed that you lost the game! I would feel disappointed, too!” Or: “Of course you feel angry that Emma stepped on your foot! I bet that hurt a lot!” But here is where the teaching and learning happens: “Emma did step on your foot by accident, so it wasn’t really a ‘10’ problem, was it? So what do you think it was more like? Maybe a ‘7?’ If your reaction of hitting her was a ’10,’ what would a ‘7?’ Could you have asked a teacher for help?” Listen and offer emotional comfort: “Yes, that looks like it hurt, I’m so sorry! Did you get an ice pack?” There is no judgment made at all. We are simply trying to figure out a way to align the mismatched numbers. We make a plan and teach coping skills so that next time, the child can respond more appropriately and hopefully get those numbers closer to matching.

A Few Notes

• You will generally not use this technique WHILE an emotional or behavioral issue is occurring. However, I have had students come to my office directly from their classroom, clearly agitated and complaining about the current situation (how unfair their teacher is treating them, how they were asked to put their toy away during the math lesson, how they are always getting picked on, etc.), and I have used Size of the Problem to help them calm down. However, I have only engaged with them if I feel they are having a “5” reaction or so, not an “8” or “9.” I already have a good rapport with the child and feel comfortable speaking to them in SotP terms because it is not their first time hearing them. I also let them vent their frustrations first and listen to them so they feel supported. I encourage them to take deep breaths, use a fidget or other sensory item if helpful, or turn a couple lights off in the room off to encourage them to calm down to get into a mindset to talk about SotP. Use your best judgment in these instances.
• Validation is crucial. We cannot take away how another person feels or experiences life. However, society (school, jobs, playdates, etc.) places the expectation on us all that we cannot just walk around having tantrums or threatening to hurt people just because we did not get something we wanted. Size of the Problem helps us find some common ground.
• Many versions of SotP refer to problems as “small,” “medium,” or “large.” I find this vocabulary to be too obscure and subjective. We want to be as concrete as possible to take out any guesswork for the child, in particular for someone who is neurodivergent and does not necessarily understand social cues to begin with.
• By assigning a number to the problem and reaction, you are also taking away judgment about how the child acted. You are not labelling the reaction as “good” or “bad,” which the child may internalize; you are simply observing it in a logical manner. This approach also decreases power struggles and control issues because it removes the ability to argue.

I have taken ideas originally constructed for the Social Thinking Methodology (Michelle Garcia Winner and Dr. Pamela Crooke) and have updated the approach and language as I have found it works best for my practice.

References:
“Understanding the Size of the Problem Scale: A Guide to Social Emotional Learning”
Everyday Speech
https://www.everydayspeech.com

The Social Thinking Methodology
Developed by Michelle Garcia Winner and Dr. Pamela Crooke
https://www.socialthinking.com