The Second Arrow: Self-Compassion in Grief
Written by: Bailey Smith, M.Ed.
When you hear the word “grief,” what emotions come to mind? We typically tend to associate grief with the sadness of losing a loved one. What’s often less visible are the many other emotions that accompany grief, some of which can be unexpected.
- Sadness
- Anger
- Anxiety
- Guilt
- Relief
- Confusion
- Joy
- Gratitude
Any or all of these emotions can be a normal, healthy part of the grieving process. Even though society as a whole is getting better about recognizing that everyone grieves in different ways, we can still catch ourselves in the habit of judging our own emotions. We can think of the unwanted emotion we experience as the first arrow, that initial painful prick in our hearts that causes us distress. The second arrow is much more avoidable: it is the arrow of self-judgment.
When we experience an unwanted emotion, we have a choice in our response. Often when the emotion is unexpected or outside the realm of what we think we “should” be feeling, we pierce ourselves with the second arrow of self-judgment.
“How could I be feeling relieved that my mother has passed away? I must be a terrible person!”
“How could I be feeling joy when I only lost my husband a month ago? If I really loved him, I’d still be feeling sad!”
These and other self-judgments are common responses to unexpected or unwanted emotions during the grieving process. Instead of judging our emotions and reprimanding ourselves with “should” statements, let’s choose to open ourselves to self-compassion during grief and consider the idea that all emotions are acceptable.
Instead of asking “how could I?” or mandating how we “should” be feeling, let’s move toward offering ourselves the understanding ear we’d offer to a friend. One way to move from a “should” mindset to a self-compassionate mindset is to use the phrase:
“It makes sense.”
“Your mom suffered at the end of her life. It makes sense that you would be feeling relief for her and for yourself at the end of her suffering.”
Sometimes our emotions in grief don’t make sense, but we are still allowed to feel them. Another way to move toward self-compassion is by giving yourself explicit permission to feel the way you feel, however you feel.
“I lost my husband one month ago and I don’t understand why I feel happy at times, but I am allowed to feel happy without apologizing.”
Grief is a unique experience that includes the full spectrum of emotions. Although some emotions may be more comfortable or more predictable than others, none of them are bad or wrong. When we are grieving, we are already experiencing the pain that comes with loss and with these unwanted emotions. Through self-compassion we can avoid the painful second arrow of self-judgment and prevent further suffering.
If you need someone to walk with you in a supportive and nonjudgmental way through your own grief journey, reach out to our Summit therapists to schedule a session.