The Importance of “Mattering” to Teens

Written by: Bailey Smith, M.Ed.

I recently read the book “Never Enough” by Jennifer Breheny Wallace, which dives into achievement culture among adolescents and how it contributes to mental health concerns like anxiety and depression. Through my own school-based counseling work with high school students, I have seen many of the principles in the book in real time.

Students define themselves by the grades they make, the classes they take, or the clubs they join. Each assignment is viewed as “make it or break it” and students constantly feel like they could be messing up their futures with one mistake.

Wallace’s research showed that parents tend to underestimate their children’s stress significantly, and many students report feeling that their parents add pressure to the already-intense school environment. Parents often don’t even realize they are adding to the pressure, and they certainly aren’t doing so intentionally! Several of the noted “stress adders” in the book are interactions I’ve had with my own students at times. Things as simple as asking how others in the class did on a test, or even seemingly positive actions like praising a child for their good grades, can all add to this feeling that teenagers are only valued based on their academic achievements.

In her book, Wallace posits that the antidote to toxic achievement culture comes in the form of mattering. When a teen knows that they matter, regardless of their grades, sports accolades, or social status, they can be truly healthy even in the midst of today’s achievement culture.

So, how can we increase feelings of mattering among adolescents? For parents or other adults, highlight your teen’s interests, efforts, and displays of character over academic or athletic achievements. Think of the things you want most for your teen. Most parents I meet with tell me they want their children to be happy, to treat others well, and to feel confident in themselves. Gear your praise and encouragement toward these things.

For teens, plug into places that you will be missed. Whether this be a club at school, a faith community, or even just your lunch table, having a space where others know and value you adds to the feeling of belonging. While you can always celebrate your achievements, the goal is to get to a place where you value yourself even apart from your achievements. You matter just because you’re you.

The need to belong doesn’t disappear after adolescence. We can all foster these feelings of mattering in the way we interact with others and help counteract the toxicity of achievement culture.