Wanting and Willing: Why Both Matter in Healthy Relationships
Will Goodwin, M.A
In every long-term relationship, there’s a subtle but important difference between wanting to do something for your partner and being willing to do it. Both play a crucial role in building trust, connection, and resilience over time.
Wanting To reflects natural desire or enthusiasm. Maybe you want to surprise your partner with their favorite coffee or plan a weekend getaway. These moments often feel easy and rewarding — they’re fueled by love, excitement, or shared joy.
But in long-term relationships, we can’t always rely on desire alone. That’s where being willing to comes in.
Willingness means you’re open to showing up for your partner even when you’re tired, stressed, or not entirely motivated. You might not want to have a tough conversation after a long day, but you’re willing to listen because your partner and their experience matters.
And while we may wish for our partner to always want to do things with and for us, it is essential that we learn to embrace and appreciate our partner’s willingness to do some things despite a lack of wanting. Both states are valuable:
- Wanting to brings energy, spontaneity, and fun into the relationship.
- Willingness reflects commitment, maturity, and emotional safety.
Dr. John Gottman often highlights that successful couples aren’t those who avoid discomfort but those who willingly lean into small moments of connection — even when it’s inconvenient.
In short, relationships thrive when both partners practice wanting to and being willing to act in loving, supportive ways. Desire fuels connection, while willingness sustains it during life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Recognizing and appreciating both can deepen understanding, reduce resentment, and help couples navigate the complexities of love with patience and grace.
Sources:
- Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. (2017). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
- SYMBIS Assessment Resources, 2023.