How to Listen to Teens
Korina Calbay, M.S.
Teenagers often feel misunderstood by their parents, and parents feel like communicating with teenagers can be a mystery. When parents punish their teens, they may feel like it is the only consequence that makes sense. Based on the book, How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, here are 5 alternatives to punishments:
1. State your feelings.
Stating feelings can demonstrate ownership of emotions and show how your teen’s actions have impacted another person. By minimizing the use of the words, “you”, “never”, and “always”, the conversation reduces the chances of having the teen feel accused. “I felt frustrated when I received a phone call from school stating that you had several missed assignments.”
2. State your expectations.
Stating expectations clarifies how a teen can approach a similar situation the next time a conflict arises. “I want you to be honest about how you are doing in school so that I can provide you with the help that you need if you are struggling.”
3. Show your teenager how to make amends.
Demonstrating examples of making amends can outline a proper way to engage in conflict resolution. “This seems like a great opportunity for you to have open and honest conversations with your teachers about your missing assignments.”
4. Offer a choice.
By offering a choice, your teen can tailor their problem solving skills to something that they are comfortable doing. “You can email your teachers to set up
meetings before the start of the school day, or you can start the conversation by asking how you can make up the missed assignments before the start of the class period. I can help you set up meetings if need be.”
5. Take action.
Teens can take action with smaller responsibilities to demonstrate that they can be trusted with their bigger desires. “I want you to begin coordinating with your teachers within the next week. I do not want you going to football games with your friends until you can show me that you are willing to improve, such as doing smaller house chores or attending supplementary instruction.”
By providing alternatives to punishment, parents take away the power/control dynamic and provide an equal playing ground between parent and child for productive solutions. Punishing a teen can be easy in the moment, but putting these recommendations to use go a step further. Theseta alternatives to punishment can instill responsibility in your teen while preserving the relationship. Taking action can give teens the opportunity to learn from their mistakes instead of focusing on the punishment itself. Not every scenario will follow through in a perfect manner, but teens appreciate it when parents can communicate consistently. If communicating with your teen feels like trying to push through a barrier, the Summit Counseling Center has counselors who are open and happy to work with you and your teen.