Catching Kids Being Good
Samantha Scalabrino, M.A.
Did you know that by age 12, a child diagnosed with ADHD will have heard an average of 20,000 negative comments? Additionally, kids with behavioral challenges hear more frequent criticism than praise. “Why can’t you just listen?” and “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” are rhetorical questions that frustrated caregivers often ask these children.
Over time, persistent negative language decreases a child’s sense of self-esteem and motivation. The child begins to believe the comments, leading him to believe that he cannot do any better; therefore, reinforcing the undesired behavior. In order to break this self-perpetuating cycle, a caregiver should instead look to give positive reinforcement for “catching their child being good.”
- Verbal Praise: Become aware of the things your child does that you like and give him praise for this. Be specific: “I really liked that you played with your brother for a few minutes without arguing.” Or: “I noticed that you put your plate in the sink without me asking—thank you so much!”
- Timing: It is best to praise your child in-the-moment so he can associate the comment with the behavior. However, if you miss the moment, you can always talk to your child about it later. “Remember when you shared your stuffed animal with your sister this afternoon? I thought that was so generous of you.”
- Consistency: Kids look for their caregivers’ attention and approval. Be sure to give regular praise throughout the day. You don’t have to save your comments for big accomplishments; even small wins deserve acknowledgement.
- Non-Verbal Praise: A high-five, thumbs-up, smile, and hug are fantastic, effective examples of how praise can also be given without words. Kids love to receive notes in random places like their lunchbox, taped to their bedroom door, or stuck to their bathroom mirror (if they can’t read yet, draw a heart or smiley face). Do what feels natural for your family.
- Reward Program: For extra effectiveness, create a reward system that involves giving points when you “catch” your child being good. Points are never taken away, only accumulated. They can then be turned in for small prizes for different points amounts.
Catching your child being good does not mean you can never be upset at him again for poor behavior. To build your child’s self-esteem, though, it is more constructive to point out the positive things he does, rather than only focusing on his challenging behaviors.
Resource:
ADDitude Magazine. “Children with ADHD Avoid Failure and Punishment More Than Do Their Peers, Study Says.” http://www.additudemag.com/children-with-adhd-avoid-failure-punishment. November 6, 2020.