Are You Being Selfish or Is This Good Self-stewardship?

Written by: Alice D. Hoag, Ed.D.

“You’re so selfish; all you think about is yourself and what you want! You never think about me and what I might want!”
“You’re so inconsiderate. Do you have any idea how that affected me?”
“You’re so caught up in your own way of thinking that you can’t even imagine how another person might think differently or have a different opinion.”

Being selfish is considered a vice. That’s not good. Most people I encounter are trying to lead virtuous, moral, upstanding lives; they avoid doing things they consider immoral, harmful, or evil. For some reason, being “selfish” is one of those qualities that seems to fall in the second category: things that are inconsiderate, uncaring, even narcissistic. (Narcissism seems to be the accusation of the day on social media and in gripe sessions, and is a definition to be avoided at all costs by people in polite circles!) Being selfish also seems to be anti-spiritual; after all, Jesus died selflessly on the cross for us, and we are to live according to his example. And we are commanded to die to self (Luke 9:23-24; Romans 6:11, 1 Corinthians 15:31, among many other scriptures).

So, are we to never consider ourselves, our needs, our opinions and preferences? Is dying to self a mandate to be a doormat? Far from it!

Another element that has a role in this conversation about selfishness is the concept of boundaries. First explored by Townsend and Cloud in their seminal book Boundaries in 1992, setting limits feels like selfishness by some. After all, setting a boundary certainly doesn’t seem like “dying to self.” It sounds like standing up for yourself, and isn’t that selfish?

Actually, the New Testament has several scriptures that mandate this! Two of them are, “And He (Jesus) said to him, ‘…You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt. 22:39). If you are to love others as yourself, this implies that we ought to love ourselves. The second scripture is from Paul, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil 2:4). This, too, implies that we are supposed to look out for our own personal interests. Not more than we look out for others’ interests, but also not less. We are responsible to make sure that we love ourselves and that we look out for our own personal interests (again, not more than others, and not less than others).

Those needing to learn to set boundaries have often learned to be self-denying early in life, giving in to others’ demands rather than doing what they would prefer to do. After all, this is what a child is supposed to do: obey their parents. Then they grow up into adults who have a difficult time rocking the boat by expressing their desires / preferences / opinions that may not be shared by others. Yet when they attempt to implement boundaries on what they are willing to do or tolerate, they are accused of being selfish.

There seems to be a continuum between selfishness and self-abasement, between being focused on my needs and wants versus denying my needs and wants, between being self-assured versus being insecure, and between believing my thoughts and beliefs are the only ones that are right versus being unsure of what I think and believe. Neither extreme is ideal or healthy. Yet, when I hear the term “selfish” being bantered about, it usually refers to someone who has considered themselves and the impact of some action or thought on themselves exclusively, rather than also considering others who might also be impacted. (And, I’m willing to add that people who throw around the “selfish” word are often acting out of their own self-interest, believing that they were not considered by the other. Can that be selfish, too?)

There’s another term I like to use instead: self-stewardship. We are called to be good stewards of everything we have: our time, talents, finances, mind, bodies…and our selves. We are the only ones who can steward ourselves well. Nobody can learn or study for us; nobody can improve a relationship we have for us; nobody can digest our food for us, etc. And no other human can read our mind, know our heart, understand our motives, pursue our passions, or live out the calling we have on our lives. Those are all reserved for us to do. We alone have the responsibility to do those things and to live as our better selves.

There’s a widely used metaphor about taking care of yourself that comes from the airline industry: “Put the mask on yourself first.” In case of an emergency when flying, oxygen masks deploy from an overhead compartment; the instructions are that you are to put the mask on yourself prior to attempting to put the mask on others, such as a child in your care or someone who is unable to do it for themselves. I used to think that was absurd. My young child’s lungs are much smaller than mine; shouldn’t I put the mask on them first? Then I realized they would probably be afraid if I tried coming at them with a mask to cover their nose and mouth, and they would probably fight against my putting the mask on them, and then we would both pass out from a lack of oxygen … unless I modeled putting the mask on myself first and they could see it was nothing to be afraid of.

We MUST be good stewards of ourselves first. We are the only ones responsible for our needs (and wants) being met. Sure, it’s lovely when someone is considerate of us and does something thoughtfully for us. But it is not their responsibility to do so. That’s simply icing on the cake. The responsibility is ours to meet our own needs with God’s help, to act in a way that’s consistent with our values, to speak in a way that we say what we mean and we mean what we say, and to express our preferences about circumstances over which we have some control. We are always called to be our better selves. That is not being selfish. That is being a good self-steward.

If you would like to explore setting boundaries or healthy self-stewardship with me, I would be delighted to work with you. Please contact our referrals coordinator at 678-893-5300.