Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism in Teens
Bailey Smith, M.Ed.
When the pressures of being a teen meet the demands of high school, some students cope by striving for perfection. Perfectionism shows up in thoughts like “If I can just be perfect, then I’ll feel ok.” or “If I’m not perfect, I don’t matter.” It feeds into a relentless cycle that can negatively impact self-image and mental health. Let’s break down the cycle of perfectionism:
It begins with a thought like those above: “If I can just be perfect, everything will be ok.”
This leads to setting an unrealistic or unachievable standard: “I need to get straight As in all my classes, even though I am taking difficult classes and I already know I will struggle with some of them.”
When this standard is not met, we fall into shame, worry, and self-judgment: “I can’t believe I got a B in math. Now I’ll never get into college or be successful.”
These anxieties lead us to try any strategy to take back control, forcing us back to the beginning of the cycle, thinking “if I can just be perfect, everything will be ok.”
We can break this cycle in 3 main places:
1. Reducing black-and-white thinking. The cycle starts with an untrue, unhelpful thought. We can use cognitive defusion techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to separate from those thoughts by saying something like: “I’m noticing I’m having the thought that if I can be perfect, everything will be ok.” This gives us the space to consider that our thoughts may not always be accurate.
2. Setting realistic goals. Use the framework of A, B, and C goals to help keep goals realistic while still challenging yourself. Your C goal might be “I would be ok if I got a C.” Your B goal might be “I would be happy if I got a B.” Your A goal might be “I would be ecstatic if I got an A!” Setting achievable goals helps build momentum and increase confidence, while setting goals that are unrealistic prevents progress and leads to shame.
3. Coping with failure when it happens. Failure will happen. No one achieves every goal they set. We can respond to failure with self-compassion and remind ourselves that failing doesn’t make us a failure, and it doesn’t impact our value or worth.
Breaking the cycle of perfectionism can lead to improved self-image, reduced anxiety, and increased hope for the future. If you or your child is struggling to break the cycle of perfectionism, reach out to a Summit therapist to begin taking steps toward freedom.