Building “We-ness”: Fostering Partnership in Your Relationship
Will Goodwin, M.A
One of the strongest indicators of relationship satisfaction and resilience is what researchers call we-ness — a sense of shared identity, partnership, and emotional connection. Couples who cultivate this sense of togetherness tend to weather life’s inevitable challenges with greater ease and maintain deeper emotional bonds over time. But how do you actually grow this “we” in the daily grind of a long-term relationship?
1. Prioritize Shared Meaning
The Gottman Institute emphasizes the importance of building shared meaning — the rituals, values, and goals that define your relationship. This could be as simple as weekly coffee dates, celebrating milestones, or aligning on family traditions. These shared experiences reinforce the sense that you’re building a life together, not just coexisting.
2. Communicate as a Team
Adopt language that reflects partnership. Saying “We need to tackle this” instead of “You have to fix this” fosters unity. Regularly check in about both practical matters and emotional needs to stay aligned.
3. Celebrate Wins and Face Challenges Together
Couples with strong we-ness don’t just stick together during tough times; they actively celebrate small victories and express gratitude for each other. Facing challenges as a team — even the minor day-to-day ones — builds confidence in your partnership.
4. Maintain Individuality While Prioritizing Connection
We-ness isn’t about losing yourself; it’s about blending individuality with partnership. Support each other’s personal growth while keeping your relationship a central, nurtured space.
5. Cultivate Shared Enjoyment
While there is much in life that requires us to maintain a certain level of seriousness, deep bonds between people are often formed and strengthened within the realm of pleasure and enjoyment in life. So whether it is a common hobby, a shared sense of humor, or a mutual topic of interest, investing in the experience of enjoyment as a couple can meaningfully contribute to your sense of we-ness in your relationship.
In the end, growing we-ness is an intentional practice. With small, consistent efforts, couples can deepen their bond, creating a partnership that feels connected, resilient, and truly shared.
Sources:
- Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. (2017). The Science of Couples and Relationships.
- CounselingATL.com Relationship Resources.