Helping Your Student with Back to School Feelings

Written by: Kara Holmes, M.A.

With summer quickly coming to an end, children and teens in your home may be experiencing familiar and competing feelings like excitement, dread, anticipation, and anxiety. Often, these feelings may not be expressly spoken, but there are clues your children give that might tell you more is going on under the surface. Being attuned to those clues is critical in the process of helping children and teens better understand themselves and the feelings they are experiencing.

• Tantrums: It is common for children and teens to display externalizing behaviors such as tantrums and acting out when they are experiencing emotional dysregulation or tumultuous feelings. While tantrums or acting out may look different depending on the age of your child, there could be more to these behaviors than rebellion or disobedience.
• Attitude: Similar to externalizing behaviors like tantrums, many children and teens may have “attitudes” or moodiness when discomforting and confusing feelings are present inside them. While it is not okay for a child or teen to be disrespectful or to “mouth off,” these expressions may hint at the warring emotions your child is wrestling with internally.
• Withdrawal: Some children and teens don’t always display many externalizing behaviors, but they still may give off signs that they are struggling inside. This might be in the form of withdrawal from friends or family, which could mean physically isolating from others, or simply not engaging with others as they usually would.
• Emotional Reactivity: If you notice your child is more emotional than usual, or their emotional responses seem stronger than may be warranted for a given situation, this also could clue you in that your child needs help.

While it is much easier to simply respond to externalizing behaviors that seem disobedient or rebellious with discipline, or to overlook internalizing symptoms like withdrawal, it is extremely valuable to uncover and process what is going on inside in your child. In moments of emotional dysregulation, attempting a rational conversation with your child will not be productive, but once they have been able to reach a state of calm, try these tools for connecting with and understanding your child:

• Ask Questions. It may seem like a simple and obvious place to start, but often, children and teens need to feel seen and valued before they are able to share their deeper and more vulnerable feelings. Simple and honest reflections, such as, “Hey, you have seemed a bit more emotional lately. I’d like to hear what is going on, if you’re willing to share with me,” might be the invitation your child needs to open up. Open-ended questions, like, “How are you feeling about your first day of school?” might also help your child process their feelings aloud.
• Use Resources. Sometimes, your child may not fully understand the disquieting feelings they are experiencing. Tools like the feelings wheel or an emoji feelings chart might be helpful. The Key Jar is another free and wonderful resource that provides thought-provoking questions for a family. Letting your children draw out one or two questions from a jar during dinner will provide an opportunity for family connection and self-exploration.
• Get Active. Some youth are not comfortable with direct questions or conversation about their feelings. Doing an activity together, like taking a walk or running errands, could take the pressure off and provide a more comfortable and indirect setting for your child to share.
• Reach Out. If you still feel stuck or have concerns about your child’s emotional well-being, reach out to your child’s school counselor, or schedule an appointment with a local therapist. It may be that a neutral setting and a caring adult is what your child needs right now to help her understand and process her feelings, and that is okay. Connecting with safe adults outside of the nuclear family is a healthy and normal part of growing up. When issues like safety and self-harm are present, seeking professional help is critical in ensuring your student has the support needed to work through whatever he is experiencing.
• Be Kind to Yourself. If you attempt to connect and are rebuffed by your child, show yourself some kindness for the effort and try again another time. There isn’t one “sure fire” method for helping or connecting with our children, and it may be that your child needs a little space and time before he/she is ready to share. Reading this article shows your desire as a parent to support your child and to understand how you can help them.