Riding the Wave… or Getting Caught in it.
Leah Burnett, M.A.
One of the best times in my personal life I can remember is living in Southern California for a couple of years during graduate school. I was lucky enough to live a 5-minute walk from the beach and the bustling Pacific Ocean. I lived in Huntington Beach, a place very well known to surfers around the world. So, I told myself upon moving there that I would learn to surf. I followed through with my vow and took a lesson.
After a few tries, I was able to stand up and ride a wave with nothing but the water and a thin foam board holding me up. Inevitably there came times when I attempted to stand up knowing I was going to fall right back into the water. I wanted to grow and become stronger, so why not right? The problem is when you go for a 5-foot-tall wave and you’re used to surfing 1–2-foot waves, everything feels 5x faster and more intense… including the crash.
I can remember a time when I paddled my heart out for a “too big” wave. All at once, I found myself paddling over the quickly forming wave as I let it lift me higher until I had no choice but to try and stand up. The momentum was too strong, and I couldn’t hold it together. In an instant, I fell straight down the 5-foot wall of rushing water until I was no longer above the wave or deep under it (which is preferable), but I was caught in the middle of it.
If you have never been caught in a crashing Pacific Ocean wave while attached to a surfboard, I can promise you it is nothing short of what can only be compared to being caught in a washing machine set to heavy duty. The only way to get through it is to let it pass. The more you struggle and fight against it, the more tired you will become and the more difficult it will be to swim to safety once it has passed.
There is common DBT skill that is used when teaching emotional regulation called “riding the wave”. But I want to take it one step further. Because knowing it will pass is one thing, but choosing to embrace it and allow it to wash over you is another. I like this metaphor of surfing because it reminds us that sometimes we can’t ride the wave perfectly. We get caught in it and it feels like it will never pass. But emotions, while incredibly uncomfortable at times, are not bad. They are simply indicators of some part of us that need care and attention.
Often, the more we struggle and fight against our emotions, the harder it makes it for them to pass. Next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion, I invite you to try and not fight it. But rather be curious about it, sit with it, ask it questions, and trust that it will pass without you having to do anything to force it to go away. Most importantly, give yourself grace for feeling emotion in the first place. Riding the wave can be easier said than done, but just like surfing, you will get better with practice.