Start Now Building a Life-Long and Thriving Relationship

Written by: Jason Howard, M.A.

The start of a new year is the perfect time to reflect on your relationship and set meaningful goals. Whether you’re newly married or in a long-term partnership, the early stages of a relationship lay the groundwork for long-term happiness. While the first months may be full of love and laughter, they also come with quirks and challenges—the kind you discover as you transition from the honeymoon phase to a more realistic, enduring connection. Research shows that couples who develop healthy habits early, like managing stress, improving communication, and addressing conflicts, are far more likely to maintain a satisfying and stable relationship.

Four Paths of Relationship Satisfaction

What makes the early years of marriage such a pivotal time? Research reveals that from the beginning, couples often follow one of four paths. While the path you’re on is not fixed, it is critical to assess which path your relationship is on so you can either make changes or continue habits that will build and/or maintain a strong foundation for the future.

The Four Paths

1. Stable – High Satisfaction: These couples enjoy consistently high satisfaction over time, often due to effective (not perfect) communication and the ability to manage stressors together. Couples on this path use more positive expressions such as humor, affection, and active listening to foster stability. They also limit aggression and keeping score, which undermines trust and intimacy.
2. Minimal Decline – Moderate to High Satisfaction: Starting strong, these relationships experience only slight declines in satisfaction as time passes. Like the first path, couples here address stress together as a team and seek to improve self-awareness and emotional regulation.
3. Substantial Decline – Moderate Satisfaction: Relationships in this group start off moderately well but face rapid declines after a year or so due to mounting unresolved conflicts and an inability to face external stressors as a team.
4. Substantial Decline – Low Satisfaction: Couples in this category start off with low satisfaction and continue to struggle, mostly due to lower self-esteem and difficulty regulating anger. Problems persist often due to chronic dissatisfaction and consistently unmet expectations which get in the way of seeing positives in one another or the relationship.

Four Ways to Boost Stability and Satisfaction

1. Master the Art of Listening: Make it a priority to truly hear your partner and validate their feelings. Drs. John and Julie Gottman show in their research how vital the art of
   listening is, and recommend at least a weekly “catch
   -up conversation” over dinner. Setting a rhythm to have a “stress-reducing conversation” can work wonders for relationship satisfaction. In it, you’re asking open-ended questions, and only giving feedback or solving a problem if that is what your partner truly needs.
2. Tackle Stress Together: Don’t let life’s pressures pile up or erode your connection. Plan a monthly “stress detox day” to relax and recharge as a couple—whether it’s a hike, game night, or turning off the phone and binging a show. Then, if you need to resolve a stressful problem, start by asking what each of you need (not what you don’t need), and how you can work together to solve it.
3. Celebrate Your Wins: Cheer each other on for both the big achievements AND the small victories alike. High-fives, words of praise, a hug, etc. all add to what Dr. Gottman calls the emotional bank account of your spouse. Not only will celebrating together keep the spark alive, it also gives you something to draw on when you need to tackle stressors.
4. Seek Help if Needed: Normalize reaching out for support when challenges arise. Couples counseling, as well as retreats and workshops aren’t just for crises. It is recommended you invest in yourself and your relationship each year, in the same way you maintain and invest in other important areas of your life. Any one of our marriage therapists can recommend resources such as books, podcasts, and videos for couples who want to maintain or increase satisfaction for years to come.

Questions to Reflect On

• Which path would you and your partner/spouse say you are on at this time? (And, if you are afraid to bring it up, that’s a good indication you’re maybe on paths 2-4.)
• What do we do now that helps one another feel heard and valued?
• How do we currently handle stress as a couple, and what could we do better? What is one thing each of you need to feel more supported?
• When do we take time to celebrate with each other, have fun, and invest in our connection?
• What steps do we already take to address challenges before they escalate?

The Bottom Line

Your relationship doesn’t have to follow the “honeymoon-then-blah” trajectory. And, if your relationship has declined, or is on a lower satisfaction path, it really is important to focus on communication and conflict resolution skills to help change the trajectory. By setting thoughtful goals and working as a team, you can keep the joy and connection alive. Here’s to a year of love, growth, and a brighter future together!

To learn more about different resources to help your relationship, or to schedule an appointment with a relationship counselor, call our front office at 678-893-5300 or visit us at www.summitcounseling.org.