Tips for Defiant Behavior
Shaquanta “Shelley” Danjoint, M.S.
If your child is struggling with defiant, aggressive, impulsive, irritable behaviors and can be especially difficult with obeying rules and respecting authority these may be signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) symptoms. Raising kids can be challenging but it can be even more of a challenge when setting structure for your child and they refuse to follow it. Listed below are suggestions to help parents if the behaviors listed above are present or if parents have received a diagnosis of ODD.
1. Try to separate their behavior from their identity. They are likely not engaging in the behavior intentionally, but it may be a response to some internal struggles they are experiencing.
2. Try not to compare your struggles to theirs. Adults have a stronger threshold because they have lived longer. In this case, do not compete against what they may be going through with what you have experienced or may be experiencing now. Listen and understand the challenges they may face so you can hear how things look and feel from their perspective. It is not about anyone being right or wrong. Healthy relationships require us to understand others’ struggles and viewpoints to support them in those areas. For example, if the child thinks no one listens to them, it would be helpful to carve out intentional time to let them speak without offering any comments but just letting them talk. This does not mean they were right or that anyone was wrong, but this is an identified area where we can provide support.
3. Remember the positives and try to speak about them as much as possible. You may say things like “You are so amazing at articulating how you feel, and it helps me when you do that.” Avoid saying aggressive or negative things. You can still be assertive by saying “No” but avoid name-calling. Sometimes they may not want to get in trouble even though they know the behavior can lead to trouble. Impulsivity for negative behaviors is common for a variety of reasons, including control or attention.
4. Pick your battles. It could be helpful to create a discipline system that prevents you from having to engage in arguments. If they did not do the dishes and the consequence is there is no screen time for the night, you can avoid having to argue or go back and forth even if the child tries to disagree. Decide the rules (write them down) and be consistent with them. Try not to add or change anything. You can create a daily routine or checklist to earn rewards when items are completed.
5. Unfortunately, their struggles may be triggered by aggressive or negative talk and negative attention. Responding in these ways will only feed and continue the cycle. The idea is to break the cycle and create a healthier one.
These things are time-consuming. However, these steps are designed to help parents maintain peace and create balance in the household. Rules are healthy for every child. Our goal is to learn how to implement them so the child can grasp and understand. Parents starting individual therapy can be helpful to have a safe space to practice self-care and confront personal emotions that could be arising.