Catching Your Child Green-Handed
Written by: Kara Cunningham, M.A.
The Parent Trap
“Once again, you didn’t do your chores like you were told!”
“Hitting your brother when you are mad is not okay.”
“What have I said about your dirty dishes? It is your responsibility to rinse and put them in the dishwasher!”
As a parent, if you ever find yourself feeling more like an exasperated parrot who repeats the same correcting phrase over and over, rather than a loving caregiver who sets expectations and gives instructions that are followed, you are not alone.
Being “caught red-handed” is a popular idiom originating from 15th-century Scottish law, and it refers to someone being apprehended or caught in the commission of a crime, possibly with blood on their hands. Parenting can often feel like you are an officer of the law who is continuously correcting and redirecting, with little or no cooperation from your repeat juvenile offenders.
Catching your Child Green-Handed
This “caught red-handed” cycle is a common trap parents fall into when attempting to address their child or adolescent’s persistent behavioral and/or emotional disturbances, forgetfulness, or disobedience. These cycles are typically focused on extinguishing undesired behaviors. Correcting and redirecting are natural aspects of parenting, but there is another method of change that can be powerful in obtaining desired results: catching your child green-handed!
Consider a stoplight. Red means stop, and this corresponds with the negative cycle of extinguishing an undesired behavior. Don’t run the redlight; don’t leave your dirty clothes on the floor; don’t fight with your sister! But green means go, and this is often the missing puzzle piece when we only focus on correcting negative or undesired behaviors. Catching our children green-handed can be a powerful way to lift that negative relationship fog and to instead cultivate positive and empowering feelings in our children and in ourselves.
“I noticed you unloaded the dishes without being asked. Thank you!”
“That was good using your words with respect.”
“You asked for help when your brother was bothering you instead of responding to him in anger.”
A general rule of thumb is that for every criticism or correction given, a child needs to receive at least 5 positive affirmations. In the beginning of changing a cycle of correction and negative feedback, it can be difficult to find positive behaviors to affirm. When this is the case, giving clear directions and opportunities for a “do-over” is one great way to catch your child green-handed. A redo gives the brain a chance to practice and learn a desired behavior, and a positive affirmation or praise from mom or dad afterwards further reinforces the practiced behavior.
Shifting your parenting mindset from catching your children red-handed to catching them green-handed allows you to highlight and praise the appropriate behaviors and attitudes you long for your children to embody. Positive feelings and connections are also strengthened between you and your child. In the end, everyone is a winner.