Hormones of Love and the “Three-Year Itch”
Written by: Alice D. Hoag, Ed.D.
Research shows that people get a surge of pleasant hormones early in a new romantic relationship: dopamine (the reward hormone of excitement and pleasure), oxytocin (the trust and attachment hormone), and norepinephrine (similar to dopamine and increases the sense of giddiness and energy) all surge while cortisol (the stress hormone) decreases. This surge can be intoxicating.
Some people equate having these hormones with “being in love”, and they chase the hormone from one relationship to the next. Their belief is that if the hormone surge isn’t happening, they must not be in love. But science indicates something else.
The same scientists who discovered this hormone surge through blood tests also discovered that the hormones cannot last forever. In fact, they typically last only 12-18 months, 30 months as an outer limit. And then they’re gone. They will not come back for this couple. What replaces these hormones is a sense of trust, comfort, and security leading to a long-term attachment and a deeper connection. These replacements are the things that form the basis of a solid, fulfilling, lifelong partnership.
For those who equate love hormones with love, however, once the hormones start to subside, they start looking for someone else who can trigger these hormones. And since the hormones last less than 30 months, so starts the “three-year itch.”
Not all relationships that terminate around the 3-year mark are from this, however; there are many reasons why couples divorce after being married for three years. Some divorce because they discovered after they were married that their partner has an addiction and they’re not willing to endure the consequences of their partner’s addiction anymore – three years is enough! Others divorce because they’ve noticed stark differences in their parenting style with their new toddler and they’ve lost respect for their spouse based on how they now view their partner as a toxic parent. Or in a blended situation, resentment builds over how the stepparent interacts with the biological parent’s children. Still others divorce because pregnancy ushered in a change in their sexual intimacy patterns that didn’t sit well with one or the other. And others divorce because the things they found interesting or different about their partner that attracted them are now irritations that frustrate and repel them. These and other issues, when compounded by the lack of the love hormones that drew the couple together in the first place, can easily lead to divorce.
If your marriage is on the rocks, regardless of how long you’ve been married, please seek professional assistance. Having a counselor speak into your relationship, share unbiased observations about the dynamics in your relationship, and challenge new ways of thinking and interacting can often be the missing ingredient to make yours a great marriage. There are several counselors at the Summit (including me) who are trained to intervene in marriages, disrupt old patterns, and enable you to establish a more loving, respectful, and fulfilling relationship that can last a lifetime.